Yeah, it sucks. But I'd rather have dull knives than my daughter's vomit everywhere.

White people all look the same.

Glass cutting boards. Problem solved.

for whom he played

I didn't quite get this one either. I mean, look, there are certain things that irrefutably make a guy a douchnozzle. Quickly, off the top of my head:

I have no idea who Jayson Braddock is. Can anyone shed some light as to why he's tweeting this so defensively? (And douchemazingly?)

Here you go.

It matches the drapes.

Did the Virgin Mary give affirmative consent?

This headline is like something Siri thinks I'm saying when she picks up the TV from a distance. I am mesmerized and confused by these seemingly meaningless words.

He was really good at this, though:

Oh good god, sorry. I stopped reading after "Albom" because my e-guns were a blazin' and missed the last sentence.

Redacted because I'm a fucking imbecile.

FUCK YOU FOODBOY

This is the best post on Deadspin.

The white one was faster and the black one was taken alive?

I thought his first name as "Not Justin, the other"

I don't know, I kind of look the same way after 420.

Does anybody know what color the threat level is?