Screw the family in the last story. They deserved a table by the dumpster. Had my children made fun of a person with special needs, I would have made them apologize. I then would have picked up the family's check and my children would have then had that money deducted out of their allowances until the balance was…

Crop dusting is the most Christian revenge. You should always turn the other cheeks.

North does not cry and fuss. She stares with disdain.

They make slut pills now? When did Tequila start coming in pill form?

Of course! For only $100 you get a thermos that says "GTFO" in large letters. We'll cram your initials on there for only $50 more.

Roseanne was the very first mom on TV that looked anything like my mom and I loved that. They even had some of the same mannerisms which cracked me up. I told my mom this one time and she looked at me, grabbed her crotch and spit on the ground and then blared "Ohhhhh say can you see..." before erupting into cackling…

I love that you include Roseanne in this mix. People don't put her in the same category with other great TV moms, but SHE was out there busting her ass in any demeaning job she could get, sometimes two at a time, to make ends meet. Living in a town that didn't offer their kids a lot of options, but clearly loved them…

and then a million dollars and sixty puppies.

I'm sorry, this is just funny as heck. I'm going to do this, but shop myself in with all the awesome scientists out there. I'll bring them in to work and put them on my wall. When people say something like, "You met Neil Degrasse Tyson?!" "Never heard of him." "But, you have your picture with him right there!" …

Seriously? So the porn gif guy is leaving messages on an article about dogs? Dismissed

<I deleted my dumb comment because it was dumb! Here are 2 gifs instead>

Oh Callie. When you say something like "Chunk from the Goonies got hot" without a picture, then we have to Google it and some of us at work are afraid what pictures "Chunk from the Goonies" may bring up! But I did and meh. We must agree to disagree.

Needs more otter.

Where does plus-size go next?

Wait, I thought literally all music was recorded under the influence? That's what every musical biopic I've ever seen told me.

Phst! You've never used the phrase? Amateur.

And I have to shit like a Led Zepplin has to rock. I need a commode and I need one NOW!

Personal story: I like working out late at night. Especially in the summer when it is 90 degrees in the sun, I prefer walking along this lit path and doing laps by walking off the trail and onto some sidewalks in an area of Kansas City.

That's your winner? Pffft...

Walking around the night you plan to pop the question with that awkward ring box bulging out of your back pocket is a dead giveaway.