i c wut u did there

When I saw "Riff Raff", my brain first went to:

Seriously, considering the fact that he directed Michelle Williams in Destiny's Child there should be clarification.

And this is reason #4,590 I don't buy food from Wal-Mart or Sam's.

Don't shop at Sam's Club. It's just a fucking Walmart in disguise. If you shop at Sam's Club and get a listeria infection, you got what you paid for.

I stole Stephen King's description and refer to mayonnaise as "the color and texture of bull semen." I don't know what bull semen tastes like, but mayonnaise tastes like sadness, sagging paper plates at boring church picnics, and failure.*

Sprinkles have a faint sweet/chemical/medicine flavor, which makes them slightly unpleasant in small doses and nasty in large ones, at least to my strange taste buds. If you ask me, the sprinklepsycho lady is as bad as the ranch tea. Though, thinking about it, nothing beats that evil connoction, except maybe a tuna…

I once had someone order the soup du jour. When I brought it, she said (in the bitchiest tone ever), "Excuse me, I've had soup du jour and this is NOT it!"

What the fuck is it with fat Americans having to put fucking ranch dressing on everything? Gross...

I love working in nice places in shithole areas where people commit rampant Ranch Abuse, because I can gleefully (on the inside) say, "No, we have no ranch dressing. Sorry (not sorry)."

THANK YOU! I have a friend who puts it on everything and I try not to eat with her anymore, but there are limits to what you can put up with in a friendship. Pizza, chicken wings, sandwiches, french fries...come on, it's not that good!

At one of my first jobs I borrowed money for lunch from a young black male coworker and after pay day we went down the street of my lily white suburb to a convenience store so I could get cash, pick up a couple things, and pay him back. It took forever for me to get through the line with a couple people buying…

And what are the chances the neighbors told the cops there were some kids in the pool, versus telling them there were some black men sniffing around their neighbor's property? What are the chances if your black friend hadn't been there, the neighbor would have just marched over to yell at you about the presumed…

On a side note:

i watched a few online, and then i visited a friend for the evening and he put it on and i was in PAIN from laughing so hard. it was a bad scene.

Um, Drunk History is the best. Jesse Plemmons as Edgar Allen Poe was a stroke of genius. "He's a FUCKING HOLOGRAM. I called him a hologram and holograms HAVEN'T EVEN BEEN INVENTED YET."

You need better friends...and put some sugar on it!!!!

Can I also be your BFF? The best part is when I get drunk and yell at my boyfriend, "PUT ON DRUNK HISTORY! I THINK THERE'S A NEW ONE!" Meta, man.

You are my new BFF bc when I mention Drunk History, people either have no idea what I am talking about or lie, and say they don't watch it. Jerks.

I LOVED That episode. Wilson nailed it.