Nah, 93 Bonneville, forest green with gold accents.

They should’ve said a prayer to Our Lady of Blessed Acceleration!

That... is a terrible place for a loading dock, especially without any signage.

JEFF FISHER: I’m not fucking going 7-9!

*One finger of the Monkey’s Paw closes*

I like that outfit and the 11th-grade mustache, he looks like the dumbest, youngest son in a mob family.

This isn’t a story about a guy being a dick, but I was once in a Taco Bell when Mike Holmgren walked in, studied the menu intently for two solid minutes, and then walked back out never having said a word. It was over ten years ago but not a day goes by that I don’t wonder what the heck his internal monologue must have…

Was riding an elevator with a massive hangover and Don Rumsfeld strolls in. After the doors closed I ripped a nasty beer fart, looked at Rummy and said “There’s a weapon of mass destruction that even you could find, asshole”.

I was alone in an elevator with Ruth Bader Ginsburg and she farted. I was going to ignore it like a gentleman when she said “woah did somebody step on a duck.” We both laughed and she turned to me and said “no one will ever believe you if you tell this again.” She is one wise lady.

No. Micro-Machines were amazing. Get out.

Yea, when you cede the moral high ground to fucking ARAMARK, you might want to reassess your life.

Baseball is the only sport that actually looks like America.

Normally wanting to get out there and play for the Oilers would be a sure sign of a head injury so I can see where they’re coming from.

Enough already with the post-play celebrations. It’s ruining cricket. Catch the ball, get it back in to the bowler, and get set for the next play. Cricket is a gentleman’s game with no room for gloryboys.

The 31-year-old Torontonian commemorated his recent vasectomy with a celebratory photo shoot. In one photo, he tenderly cradles a head of kale like a green, leafy infant.

Yep, that’s usually how these videos go.

A golden opportunity only comes once in life, it’s up to you to snatch it! Of course this may have been on his bucket list for a while. Think of how many people had to chip in to make this happen... 

They should probably vet him before he visits. Then put him through some advanced interrogation, just to determine what his intentions are. Then if necessary, place him in some sort of camp until they determine what to do with people of his kind.

If he truly had balls of steel, he’d have been able to make better time carrying the bucket because he’d be used to lugging around the extra weight.

My favorite part is that there was actually a candidate who would have given them what they wanted, but he was a “socialist”.

 I know adults who don’t drink their OWN cereal milk. Those are the shifty fuckers we need a national registry for.