She makes me wish I was a woman. And lesbian.

"Despite being populated by batshit insane people who I imagine drive big Cadillacs with longhorn hood ornaments while firing guns in the air and getting blown by a trophy wife, Texas is pretty solid."

What the f*ck do you mean, "Despite...?"

Big Cadillacs, longhorn hood ornaments, blasting cloud caps, and getting…

This. Only the crimp was done with ViseGrips, which were left on through the finale.

Good times with Pops.

As a die-hard Laker fan, so very much this.

Heather McGinty.

She, too, was like chewing a giant loogie that was spit into my mouth by a dolphin. Also fucking horrifying.

I am currently accepting orders for the iPhone5.

Um, hello? Calgary was where Baby Jesus was hung on the Star of Mohammed, you cretins.

I'm fairly certain Myra just posthumously soiled herself.