Douchebag Shrugged

I like that the guy who wants to be President thinks that "like a college paper" is some overdemanding, super-rigorous standard.

The word "preternaturally" gives me flashbacks to my inexplicable Dean Koontz phase in high school. I swear to god it's the only adjective he knows.

Fuck that, Vin Diesel is STRAIGHT?

Dammit Lorde, I want to love you, but stop making me so jealous of you.

Only when she isn't being filmed.

Lady Gaga is going to sing a song in outer space, which I guess is kind of like when you go back and speak at your high school assembly as a grown-up.

As a fat man, I just wanted to say thank you, Lindy. Now if you'll excuse me, I'm going to get the hell out of this comment section before it turns to absolute shit.

If only Russell Brand were to be eaten by a direwolf.

And so began the singularity...

Wow. I think this might be the one time where all of those 'who is she and why do I care?' comments are not annoying and obnoxious.

Cat Marnell is 31 years old.

Justin Bieber was reportedly "stuffing himself with Toblerone."

Yes, some of us breathe OXYGEN, and we find the mephitic fumes of their oratory a lethal challenge to our pulmonary capabilities.

I live about 20 minutes from Stull. We used to go there in junior high. I'm sorry singer lady but that shit is made up.

And with that story, I will yet again pose the age-old question: