realcaptainparsnips
realcaptainparsnips
realcaptainparsnips

The heroine's so immature and inexperienced she refers to her genitalia as "down there. " Every time they have sex it's like he's invading Australia.

Christina Hendricks looks like Social Services from Moonrise Kingdom.

I want to make a snarky comment about if he did have his bulge maybe he wouldn't be such a miserable excuse for a human, but not only is that an unnecessary attack on his body, I also get the feeling Schubert could be literally hung like a horse and he'd still be a miserable person, neck-deep in a cowpie of his own

I imagine him googling away:

"I'm not a pirate, but [talks about timber shivering and booty plundering]."

Haha yes. My first thought was that it'll be justification for evo-psychs to say that ladies are naturally more interested in "feathering the nest."

It is the most perfect satisfaction that I have ever experienced, and the other day I pulled an inch-long ingrown hair out of my boyfriend's face. AN ENTIRE INCH. It was nothing compared to hangover Sprite.

Erin, you always take the burden of making up for other writers' errors. I really appreciate this article and your take on this situation, but Doug needs to do something.

They look like the eyes of someone I've seen before....

He would demolish her. It might even backfire, making people sorry for her crazed brain and tiny intellect, the way you'd feel sorry for a tiny kitten told to read The Iliad in the original Greek.

HAIM really aren't that good.

Your morning happy cry: Superhero window washers visit a children's hospital.

Yeah, and the Democratic Republic of Congo is such a democratic republic!

Or tell them you're from that town in Footloose.

The dick cannot fail, bro...Because IT'S TOO BIG TO FAIL IF YOU KNOW WHAT I'M SAYIN HUHUHUHUHUHUHUHUHUHUHU HIGH FIVE BRAH GOOD ONE AWWW SHIIIIIIT LET'S GO SLAM SOME NATTY

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I feel like Miley is confusing "ratchet culture" with having no class at all, which is yet more proof that twerking is a slippery slope for privileged white girls with no taste. Case in point: Sitting spread eagle on the today show. See also: Photo shoot with Uncle Terry. See also: An interview with Big Freedia.

"I know that I'm an artist"