The kid ain't cryin', he's just tryin' to get better reception.

I personally blame the parents. They should know that a visit to the sabermetrician before meeting Brandon Phillips is terrible for a toddler's well-being.

Pictured: A whining baby who tends to shit the bed, and a disgruntled toddler.

Nah, it's just the truth.

I must, unfortunately, assume your comment were not reliable with your dismal body of work upon the Gawker Media websites.

Fortunately the other team was just a load of whites.

Let me save the six of you some time:

"DAD! My girlfriend and I just performed oral sex on one another!"

Ouch.

Flames: [act heated]

He got beat by Dr. Dre

COTY.

What a catastrophe

Is there some sort of saying that would apply here? Maybe some suggestion that the residents of a city conduct themselves in a certain dignified manner? I'm drawing a blank.

Promotion for Eagles game, January 4th, 2013: Come to our Half-Independence Day Celebration! Just like July, we've got fireworks and the Eagles will be on vacation!

Meanwhile, the Eli Manning Up method of birth control consists of just dramatically missing your intended target.

Happy New Year, you nerds.

• TRIED TO OPEN DOOR WITH PENIS, TOO HOT, SCALDED PENIS

STRUCK PENIS ON SPEAKER BOX

PUT HIS WEDDING RING ON HIS PENIS, NOW CAN'T GET IT OFF