Still not the worst people to come out of Temple.

[Starts process that is supposed to take two minutes]

That is not something to be proud of.

With all due respect - your brother(s)/sister(s) is/are goddamned barbarians.

That's some solid bear right there.

I like Simmons, although his NBA stuff is dumb, because, well, NBA.

You idiot. +1.

One thing you can do to avoid bullshit charges is include in your initial request a statement to the effect of "I'm willing to pay reasonable reimbursement of up to X dollars and if the actual or anticipated expense is going to exceed that, contact me before you proceed."

This is a highly underrated comment.

Important tip: When changing your son's diaper, keep his wang covered with something until you're ready to get the new one on. Otherwise, he will sooner or later pee on his own face, it won't be funny at the time, but you'll eventually think it's funny, you'll laugh about it as you tell your wife, but she won't…

I don't want to engage in speculation, so I'm just going to assume that it's in the vacuum cleaner hose.

Why are you so worked up about this? Did a bra hurt you when you were a child?

Probably says more about them than him.

No, because the comment section of espn.com is not a believable source of information for anything other than people misusing "you won the internet" jokes.

The alligator deeply regrets the role it played in the incident.

I believe your comment contains the answer to the question.

No, unpaid hookers are his worst enemies.

"Meh. Close enough."

I actually started to feel bad for her. It was getting awkward and she was getting increasingly frustrated. In related news, I didn't get a ton of work done this afternoon.

No one does, dude. No one.