I think that’s police code for being an insufferable asshole while drunk.

When’s a good time for me to stop by for dinner? Six-ish?

That’s so cute :) when I was very small I thought everyone who had curly hair had to use curlers to get it that way and I couldn’t understand how they made that kind of commitment.

I have a pixie with a side bang. My hair will never be below my shoulders as long as I draw breath. #PixieTilIDie

Also, got a wrinkly forehead? Bangs are much, much cheaper than botox.

When I was little, I had a babysitter who was super cool and beautiful, and she wore jeans with rips in the knee and oversized plaid shirts, and she taught me how to play cards. She also had long, long naturally blond hair with no bangs that she swept over to the side, which looked effortless and amazing to me. I’d…

Someone recently told me I look like the ‘pretty girl’ version of Big Liz and it was the best compliment I’ve ever gotten...

I wonder if Peyton ever considered bangs.

Bangs cut off your face, your wonderful, beautiful face,

alternately, bangs hide my forehead. my horrible, tall and expansive forehead.

“Bangs cut off your face, your wonderful, beautiful face, and make you look childlike and sad, all at the same time.”

Counterpoint Exhibit 1 - I cut my own bangs a few weeks ago, because they cover at least two of my fivehead, and they look goddamned awesome.

Also, who cares if no one notices? It’s not like everything women do is a desperate cry for attention. This glitter nail polish is for my enjoyment, thank you very much.

My bf made fun of me for how much nail polish I own, and said that no one even notices nail colour anyways. I told him at least three people complimented my opal nail polish that week and he said “let me guess, all women, right?” and I said duh yes but who cares? I like it.

What does this fucker do yesterday? “Oh you…

I have the flimsiest nails of any person alive. Like strips of paper.

I met Steven Spielberg once in a deli in Manhattan, so clearly I’m the truest Jew to ever Jew.

The thing that drives me batshit crazy about this whole thing is that Apostolic Christians don’t believe that Catholics are real Christians! Why is she so excited to meet the head of the Catholic Church if she believes Catholics are going to hell?! (Answer: Because she’s an attention whore.)

I am a true Christian because I took a meeting with the Pope.”

I will star any and all Terry Pratchett-related comments.

The ingenious waitress’ name has been lost to history, but the Legend of The Waitress With The World’s Driest Sense Of Humor is still whispered to this very day.

The Reuben one reminded me of a story Terry Pratchett told. He said that one jet-lagged evening he accidently asked for Three Mile Island dressing for his salad. The waitress didn’t say a word, just brought him Thousand Island dressing and a bottle of hot sauce.