This song would be way more honest if "sugar" were replaced with "vagina."

Every horror story should start with this.

It was great until Adam Levine happened.

Because nothing screams dignity like someone taking a picture of you without permission in order to portray your life situation as a dire absurdity in contrast with the product they're trying to advertise.

Your town ran out of strangers?

I'm terrified of the day that my previous employer releases elevator camera footage of me, because then the world will see my INCREDIBLY INTENSE one man Michael Jackson dance parties that happened every single time I was alone in an elevator.

I like to multitask (or more accurately, I hate mono-tasking unless that task is extremely engaging), and I also like watching subtitled things, which results in me watching foreign stuff while doing whatever I can do without taking my eyes from the screen, which is pretty much limited to stretches and exercises that…

I no longer have secret single behaviors, but I DEFINITELY have secret "when everyone else is out of the house" behaviors. AND SECRET THEY SHALL STAY.

I posted this elsewhere, but my dog's name is Izzy, so I have a blast with "Fancy" because I get to go "Who dog, who dog, I-Z-Z-Y."

I love this! Late one night I caught my mom-this was many years ago-playing Wolfenstein and screaming, "FUCK YOU, NAZI BASTARDS! I'M COMING FOR ALL OF YOU!" I burst out laughing, and she was all, "What? I like video games. Now you know!" Best moment of my young adult life.

I apologize in advance for how sappy and uncool this is. But I just realized I do every one of my secret single behaviors including making face masks out of random kitchen ingredients, talking out my problems to my dogs and answering for them in funny voices, taking 2+ hour-long baths, and occasionally putting on…

When I cook a meal, I pretend like I'm giving a demo for tv, and describe what I'm doing…but, I assumed everyone does this. Don't tell me I'm wrong.

One of my cats melts like jello in a sack on a hot day when you hold him. When I'm alone, I dance with him because he lets me. He purrs like crazy and oozes about in my arms while the other pets look on like we're both nuts, but this cat is the perfect dance partner. He never minds if I miss the steps, and he's…

I won't share my wine unless you bring food.

I say really sarcastic things to commercials. Out loud. Like full out mocking them. And then I laugh, because I'm hilarious. It's really tragic.

I'm recently divorced and living alone for the first time ever. It's AMAZING. My ex husband was super critical and I am experiencing freedom like I've never known.

I have a habit in the morning of turning on the shower, and while waiting for the water to warm up, I poop. I poop in the toilet, by the way... not in the shower, if you guys needed that clarification. Anyways, because I don't want to flush and make the water boiling hot (which I have no idea if this is even the…

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