Fairuza Balk?

consider my nightmares haunted

Years ago I ordered I chocolate milkshake at McDonald's, and they gave me vanilla. I asked for a new shake, only to have the counter person insist, increasingly angrily, that it was a chocolate milkshake and I was just crazy. I kept pointing out that it was solid white and had no chocolate flavor; she kept rolling her…

Don't worry, that doesn't make you a dumbass at all. It makes you the hardest working Hardee's employee ever.

back in the very early 90s I worked at Hardee's (that's Carl's Jr for you west coast folks) after school. This was when they introduced the peach milkshake, which I don't even know if they have anymore because I haven't set foot in one since high school. We sold so many of these damn things. Except there was this one…

My family and I have one French restaurant we go to for all our special occasions, and it is so nice and the one server has worked there for at least the 15 years we've been going there - and I saw somebody do this ONCE. I'm not even violent but I wanted to reach across and break his fingers with my hands. First of…

SOME PEOPLE HAVE NEVER EVER SEEN A BOWL WITHOUT SOUP IN IT. If you don't understand this, you are a heartless elitist.

Oh god, the Grasshopper. My mother is not what you would call a big drinker, and back in the day her taste buds were still firmly wedged in the 1960s. For some reason she and my father were invited out for drinks by a rather grand couple and they went to a specially nice bar in town, at the top of the Park Plaza…

I worked as a waitress in a nice Italian restaurant for a year in my early 20s, and can I just say, the worst customers of all were the "finger-snappers". Please, if you need to get your server's attention, address them as they walk by. For the love of god do NOT snap your finger in the air from across the room like…

Don't go after THEM, get their license plate number, if you can. Then call the cops.

That works. As long as they are not crunchy. Because allergies.

Guest: I don't eat meat.

I'm sure I'm not the only way who likes their soup on a plate and knows just how bad over ripened linguini tastes, right?

Brace yourselves, everyone.

Welcome back to Behind Closed Ovens, the BIZARRO EDITION:

Nothing worse than linguinies that are picked too soon. Grilling them more won't even make them tender.

I don't think the alcoholic Irish Coffees are that popular in general?

So, if I say "skinny" when ordering anything at Starbucks it negates the 800 calories, yes?

I'll see if I can find them before emailing you guys, but I think I have a coucouple old etiquette manuals from the 40's and 50's that various family members gave my grandmother as "gifts." Shady, shady gifts.

Please please please do a regular feature of reviewing books of our youth, preferably starting with a Lurlene McDaniel book pls/thx