I thought oil companies were ruining America but it was those pesky minorities all along.

And I'm tired of rich people (minority) running this country too.

The last name part made me want to take these panties off: "Keeeep iiiit, whatever it is."

Not THIS kind of situation, of course, but I use my brother's email address as my "throwaway" email when I need to sign up for shit that I know I'll never use again. This is because when I was in college he signed me up for a bunch of porn emails.

I have no idea why, but I wanted Winston from New Girl to be singing this.

Why doesn't Oprah just use all her power and connections the help boost Lupita's career even further. I mean, I get fixing Lindsey Lohan's career is Oprah's way of proving to all of us that she is in fact god, but still. Lupita is so crazy talented, Oprah could be spending her time throwing her support behind someone…

Is your apartment as cozy as that sweater? Because I could live in it. ZZZZZZZZ

I left out an important detail - the moose was NOT killed in the crash. The only fatality was a 1999 Toyota Corolla.

I admit I'm kind of curious whether the moose survived .

As did I.

Was talking dirty to Mr. Hot on the phone late one night...and talking wasn't enough. Headed out for the 45 minute drive to his house. In a very dark area on a country road I hit a moose with my car. Totalled the car. When the state trooper arrived, he let me use his phone to call Mr. Hot, who came and picked me up,…

I did! I pretty much drove straight there on the way up, so I had a friend fly up to Seattle and drive back to Alabama with me. We saw the redwoods in California, drove down the 101, saw Yosemite Park, stopped in Vegas, saw the Hoover Dam (where I lost my driver's license), Death Valley (which had a whore house…

You definitely need to send your mom some flowers. Maybe chocolates too.

I... uh... may or may not have fucked a terrorist. I was paranoid for months afterwards that guys in black suits would whisk me away and interrogate me about that night.

I was the last person to see him before he disappeared. In the end, any investigation into me must've proved I was just a horny young woman. Now I'm…

I did anything and everything in the world to sex up my first love (first love is real life vampire love I always say) despite our parents' best efforts. At first it was easy because they worked full time. Take advantage of a half day, ditch a couple classes here and there, NBD.

Part of me is glad that John Mayer is aware of Banksy. Part of me is deeply concerned that John Mayer has yet to realize that Banksy's career is basically an epic troll effort to satirize people like John Mayer. There is a very good chance that this is how black holes are formed.

I don't know if it counts because I didn't really do it On Purpose, but I almost drowned to get laid.

This summer, I got Tinder after an 8 month dry spell and immediately matched with one of the hottest male humans I have ever seen in my life. After a few days of chatting he declared he thought I was gorgeous, wanted to meet and for me to ride his face until I passed out from orgasms. He also is big on marijuana (as…

I feel like this happens in every season of the Real World.

Flew to an African country where "the gay" is punishable by jail time to see my very long distance monogamous girlfriend who is serving a two year volunteer stint on the continent. Subsequently successfully argued with a hotel clerk who was holding our passports hostage to give us the big bed we paid for rather than…