After a problem-free pregnancy, I told my friends that I would probably have the worst labor ever. They laughed. I wasn't kidding. I present for your consideration:

"Awwww.... that was my last clean shirt!" That's my last clear memory of the day I gave birth to my twins.

OH LORD! Fixed, TY!

I was 42 weeks pregnant and my Dr. decided to induce. He started Pitocin on Thursday morning at 7 a.m. and cranked it up. I had the baby after 5 p.m., *Friday*, and when I did have him, they decided to use forceps on him to get him through the symphysis pubis. The Dr. could not get him out by forceps, so they put some…

Gentlemen, we can rebuild this cervix. We have the technology. We have the capability to make the world's first bionic cervix. VampireCircus will be that cervixes keeper. Better than it was before.

No horror, but mildly amusing (for me anyway). Our second child was being born and her head had just started to crown. I looked at my wife and said excitedly in sort of a weird sing song voice, "WELL! There it is!!!"

So this is my mother's story, but I must share it with you all. My mom was pregnant with her first child, my older brother, in the late 1970s. Her due date was in January, and she lived near Buffalo, New York, which gets legendary lake effect blizzards in the winter. I'm talking total white-out, feet of snow at a…

I was 2 weeks overdue with my first child. I was enormous. My maternity uniforms did not fit anymore and the Air Force let me go on mat leave early. They started pitocin around 8am Monday morning. It was ok, mildly uncomfortable, but they also had to put the balloon thingie up me to try and soften my cervix.…

my birth was fine. Can we talk the first post partum poop, which was far more terrifying than giving birth?

And just as an addendum, my daughter is now a very healthy & precocious kindergartener, so there were no long-term effects due to the crappy birth experience and severe jaundice.

I don't know if this is a horror story, but it's definitely the most embarrassing part.

So first: I don't think labor was a nightmare. I had a natural birth at a freestanding birth center. I did hypnosis. I had a doula who did all kinds of weird shit to get me through. I got to labor in a jacuzzi. It worked for me and…

Props to you and your sister for having the kind of relationship where you can watch your niece's delivery, but there is NO FUCKING WAY my brothers will ever watch me give birth. None. Zero. Nope.

1. 4 "false alarms"

A girl in my high school was disabled from the waist down after giving birth. It was a long time ago and I don't remember all the details, but she was gone for a long time and came back one day to get her stuff, she was in a wheelchair, and she said she was paralyzed from the waist down. It was especially sad because…

First birth:

I was induced due to complications, the nurse ruptured my sac w/o asking, they did internal fetal monitoring without asking, and after 30 hours of NOT letting me up to move, I developed a clot that went to my lung. They didn't do an u/s even after I told them about the pain, etc, and I ended up being sent home and…

While in labor with me, my mother got an epidural, which affected every part of her body EXCEPT the birth canal. Fun. Then, on my way out I crushed a nerve. Once the epidural wore off on her limbs, my mother realized she couldn't move her legs.

Gah. Last time there was a horror story thread about childbirth on Jezebel, I was on the bus on my way to work, reading along on my phone. Then someone mentioned buckets, and isn't it crazy that the same supplies you buy at Home Depot can be used in delivery? NOPE. In horror, I shut my phone off, shut my…

Nothing special, really, but I pat myself on the back for my water breaking in the most convenient of places. The first was in the hospital after an induction, the second broke in the shower, and the third broke right over the toilet as I was finishing peeing. The third was especially exciting, as my boss (who did not…

I caught a 24 hour stomach bug from my husband. Lolled in bed all day, feeling miserable, then threw up. I was 34 weeks pregnant with twins and I felt like I was giving myself the Heimlich maneuver! Wretching and heaving so hard that tears were being squeezed out of my eyes. I thought I had peed on myself but the…