My cat's middle name is Tiberius.

If I'd been born with a penis, my name would have been Lyman Francis and no one would have sat with me at lunch. This would not have been helped by my long, unpronounceable Eastern European last name.

I may have gone to elementary school with your manager.

I don't know what made the animals so mad (maybe the fact that they used to have places to live and now everything is a Quiznos?)

#parenting

When I was in high school the very religious parents of a girl in my class chaperoned one of our regular dances and were appalled because people touched while dancing. They ended up writing a letter to the editor about it and trying to petition the school to enforce a 6 inch empty space rule at dances.

It's a prescription muscle relaxer.

It took me YEARS to convince my partner that when I put tomato sauce on the shopping list, I do not mean Ragu.

My mom told me this one as well. I distinctly remember being terrified at around age 4 because I had to ride in the bed of a pickup truck full of wood that was CRAWLING with earwigs and I was certain I was going to die.

Justified.

We all mourn the rhymes that never were.

I read this in a Seussian way and laughed out loud.

I have two, one more public than the other.

I've never understood why this happens. I worked at a store where 90% of my horror stories were people shitting, pissing or leaving used tampons/smearing blood on the walls.

Just wow.

This. I once walked into a corporate women's room to find a scene that I later described as "if a very tall ballerina had explosive diarrhea while doing pirouettes." I was astonished and almost impressed except for the smell.

In high school, I had a friend who's older step-brother would loudly hock up his mucus into his mouth and then CHEW ON IT. I nearly threw up typing that and it's like 15 years later.

This is the first of all of these stories that has literally made me gasp in horror. Congratulations on your win.

Does anyone else remember when Jack in the Box tried this in the early 2000s? They had a fire place and pretentious versions of their own food. I don't think they ever got passed the pilot stores and they just ended up expanding the menus to include some of the new options.

I'd totally put it on display in my living room. Of course I also have several mannequin forms that I've painted and displayed around my house so take that into consideration.