How the hell do you name him Lipstick instead of Treesus Christ? Come on, stoner mountain brahs. This isn’t that hard.

Are you thinking of Adrian Peterson? Different guy.

Rivers Romo needs to grow up and start a band called “Geezer”

Mike was like “Good gracious, pasta so tasteless”

The Padres say it’s not that bad, but it feels bad.

The three Kings are Kopitar, Carter, Doughty. Making those three look like chumps is pretty good.

This is a garbage take, please revert to a meaner state.

Whatever, her grandfather was the worst professor I ever had and then I heard he killed some guy.

Actually they have the moops.

I’ve been to Iceland AND Wyoming.

“The only way San Antonio or Miami don’t win the championship is if neither team makes the finals.” - Magic Johnson

Basically the Wayne Gretzky quote, but just dumber.

“I’m interested in a powerful position in government and I’m willing to bribe you with a baseball team.”

“Oh, and Carson Wentz is black in this game”

“Holy shit, Drew. You need to get a grip, man. Listen, I suspect I’m probably not you’re typical reader. 41, balding investment guy, three kids, minivan, house in the suburbs...”

“I am a 59 year old...”

Gonna go back this afternoon and burn a bag of popcorn?

Unequivocally.

You root for some random ass teams.

If I want to see cousins dancing awkwardly, I’ll just crash a prom in West Virginia.