Stabbing someone at a diner is the equivalent of breaking a bottle of champagne across the bow of a ship. You're not properly open for business until bloods been shed. #Jerseystrong

Well at least he didn't go as Patrick Bateman.

Lol! A few years back I was in the waiting room of a plastic surgeon to consult about getting a mole removed. A heavily plasticized lady asked me what I was there for (rude) so I told her I was getting my six month follow up on my facelift. She said "you look fabulous, he really did a great job!"

"You really shouldn't call it a bowl if you aren't going to put soup in it!"

She was originally going to go with Summer Eve, but decided that would be too douchey...

You forgot one

Did the woman provide written consent for the man to ejaculate in the first place?

Sounds like Innocent Blood, but more awesome.

Can someone please explain to me what the fuck Don Hertzfeldt's banana is doing in this fucking video's screen cap?

I was reluctant to share this story here, but I think it's important.

Here's the thing. In my experience, I NEVER, literally NEVER see men casually greet each other on the street unless they know each other. These men are throwing out seemingly harmless greetings in hopes you will turn and want to talk. Or they may just want a smile. Sorr,y but I only smile when I feel smiley, not…

Celebrity Edition!

Buffalo buffalo Buffalo buffalo buffalo buffalo Buffalo buffalo.

We've always used the proper terms with our kiddo (I'm a biologist, I'm not going to call it a wee-wee or a hoo-haa or whatever). She was then told by other kids she was saying "bad words." Her teacher started to tell her not to say those and she proudly said "My mommy says those are the right words and not to use…

Okay. Call me when Christopher Pike comes out with something new.

John Oliver should do a follow up piece on how poor and minority children are being sent to private prisons for extremely minor infractions - the kind of things that middle class white kids would lose tv privileges for a week. They are then subject to psychological, physical, and sexual abuse at the hands of guards…

Yes, Maam!!!

What the hell? He's following you around? Honey, this is how girls get straight up murdered. Don't give this dude an inch. Look him in the eye and scream LEAVE ME THE FUCK ALONE at the top of your lungs. If he approaches you again after that, pepper spray him in the face and call the cops. I am 100% serious.