I think they should go full Stepbrothers the night before and get it out of their system.

While we’re on the subject of failures, why don’t you eat some avocado toast or something that Millennials supposedly do instead of buying houses and diamonds? Are you really mad that instead of fixing the world up the way you want it to be, we spent our youth getting fucked up and piercing ourselves in strange…

I just read X AE A-Xii as E-I-E-I-O in my head and thats gonna be that kid’s name for me from now on.

Dance...Dance...Revolution!

When my husband told his brother that he was scared of having a kid because of how much work it is on top of how much work he already had, his brother (father of 2) assured him that, “You’d be fine! Not much changes.” Luckily, my husband is not a fucking idiot.

Absolutely. As someone who works indirectly with folks who deal with these pathologies, my immediate reaction was “that’s a diabetic foot ulcer.” She might want to get her A1C checked, if she hasn’t already. Either way, maybe a good candidate for HBOT.

If you want to understand why the playbook that says “conservative women are a persecuted bunch” is so successful, you first need to understand that to the letter of the statement, it’s true.

I’m going to my Pole dance studio. I already registered for class that night. I’m leaving my phone in my bag and dancing.

Bitch is so far in the closet he’s talking to Aslan.

Came here to say this verbatim. I’m not sure this segment is doing what you think it is, Ben. Don’t go chasing waterfalls. Just stick to the dry rivers and lakes that you’re used to.

David Roth has been calling him Mortadella.

I interviewed Amy Aquino recently & although the “purpose” was to talk about a current project, my agenda was to get her reminiscing about playing Cher’s stylist in Moonstruck and Melanie Griffith’s secretary at the very end of Working Girl. It was so cool!

“The greatest trick the devil ever pulled was convincing the world that he did some epically gnarly shit but then erased the memories of those involved but then some pseudopsychologists figured out how to retrieve those memories.”

Someone obviously didn't watch Labyrinth growing up. Didn't know that was possible to be honest.

I am a college professor and this is basically how I feel about my students. I will never see 99% of them again after they graduate but I go out of my way to make them feel like they can genuinely connect with me while they are in my orbit.

Decrepit Baroque is my rap name now

just because you’re not invited doesn’t mean we aren’t having orgies

I spend my Saturday afternoons volunteering at Upward Bound at Pace University, an extracurricular program that provides college prep and counseling for low-income, first-generation, college-bound high school students.

Just a perfect joke, I could laugh at that everyday