I hope she gets out. Many women can't admit they are in an abusive relationship when the abuser is a women. This was my beautiful sister. And if you hear your neighbors "fighting like cats and dogs," please call the police. Domestic violence is everyone's business.

Praise Freud.

I completely understand the sneakiness of this venture and would still be buying a plane ticket to NYC if I didn't think my brother might stumble upon that gem.

I think you misunderstood the assignment.

I just assumed that this was one of those awful early 2000s-era home bleach jobs that all the boys at my middle school were sporting and he was in some sort of Spiderman-esque superhero origin story that left him permanently looking like an idiot. But no, apparently he is paying someone Actual Dollars to maintain this…

If this is the first time Guy Fieri has gotten into a fistfight with his hairdresser, then people have been VERY good about keeping mirrors away from the man. Because damn.

I know, right? What if I have the flu, or I'm away on a business trip? Can I have one of my neighbors do it for me while I'm away, like watering the plants?

Don't be ridiculous. You sleep in the drawers of the bed. After you've pleasured your man, of course.

All of that seems like really, really good advice.

But I have a more, um, rudimentary question:

The mattress — Do I sleep on top of it? Or does it sleep on top of me?

Thanks in advance.

Any marriage where you feel weird about pooping in your own house is not a strong one.

This is not the smile of a happy person.

I made sandwiches to get myself out of the doghouse — like No. 67, a scrambled egg, smoked salmon and chive creation that combined some of Eric’s favorite things to make up for my being 45 minutes late for dinner the night before.

I don't really understand the grammar of it, either. Is it meant to say, wow, all these subsequent amazing things (like having a baby and buying a house, or maybe just the wedding itself) happened *merely* because two people fell in love? Because two people falling in love IS the big deal. It's not a means to an…

I like the part about not getting in the paid photographer's way. DO NOT COME OUT IN THE MIDDLE OF THE AISLE WHILE I AM TAKING PHOTOS AND HOLD YOUR IPHONE 4 UP BECAUSE I WILL CUT YOU. This past weekend I actually had friends and family of the bride look me and my coworker, clearly the paid videographer and…

I love a good, fairly subtle Mean Girls reference.