$1500 a month will buy you a pretty damn nice house in the Midwest. Trust me, all the shit you would be “missing” by moving from the coasts to the Midwest just aren’t worth it, and you really won’t be missing any of it after a short while.

Uuuuuuuuugh.... I hate Blacklist, but I love James Spader.

But did Jessica discuss THE PLANET MOON?

Selling my clothes drunk on HSN is my dream job.

“dammit!”

If you forgot to draw a crucifix on your seat, don’t come crying to me when a vampire drinks your vitae to stave the curse of Caine.

Dodai, I think I'll miss you most of all.

Yo fuck this guy. Between the shushing and the listen-to-mes and the FORCIBLE CHIN GRAB/HEAD TURN, this dude is a dillhole.

and remember to wipe from front to back.

I like "Divorce Season" better anyway. That magical time at around age 35 when married friends start splitting up and becoming fun and crazy again.

KNOW WHO ELSE LIKED TO PAINT!?

So I like a little sexytalk during sexytimes. But I don't think anything would dry my vagina up faster than hearing "that thing is swollen" followed by a reference to lunch baggies.

I don't know. You'd have to ask his mother, she kept them in her purse.

I split up with my ex for basically the exact same reasons - except we didn't live together. I can't imagine how much it would have made me hate him if we had. As it was, I broke up with him because I lost all respect for him (months and months of whining but refusing to even consider working in a pub or anything that…

I like to think the otter is attacking him for filming in portrait mode.

That is a much nicer ass.

I know it's the worst, but fuck me I love the jort-thong. It's just so hilariously trashy. I can imagine any number of my drag queen friends wearing those out, just to get a crazy reaction.

I've taken to wearing two sports bras at the same time but it still doesn't really help. I have no idea why they don't make more sports bras in cup sizes-it seems logical to me but what do I know?