It's 10:30 and I'm watching Die Hard, get on the best coast dude. 

I was hoping that this was a tale of a vasectomy gone awry, but he’s already been down that road. Get better soon, and at least it’s not exploding balls, amirite?

He ran through a god-damned brick wall.

He has a crack in his butt.

Rumor has it that Drew had an accidental fentanyl overdose at his College Park writers studio and home.  

I’m guessing it has something to do with breaking a mirror while trying to punch his own face.

See Ralphie that is how you play police.

I bet it was Cleveland PD’s newest officer... Schmadam Schmefter.

Lou: Ay-uh, Chief, we have this famous running back over here who appears to have beat this woman.

He was just trying to deprive the baby of oxygen so it might grow up to become a Steelers fan.

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Even if he doesn’t end up being as great as he’s being pumped up to be, the NBA is better for him having come over. He’s one of the funnest players in the league, already.

He’s not an idiot, though.

So we’re dubbing him “Basketball Gronk” right? 

It’s like he wants to shout and cheer but his voice was stolen by an evil sea witch, so all he can do is open his mouth and hope for the best.

Other SI cover story ideas:

Should a towering straw man argument be called a Wicker Man argument?  Maybe we should burn Drew Brees for harvest.