I always say that the absolute BEST things in life involve things coming into or going out of your body. See: pooing.

Am I the only one who has ever had one of those really good poops and then fought the urge to tell someone about it?

I consider each and every one of you a dear friend, so just between us: Is there anything better than a really awesome poo?

I work in HR and this is so illegal. Put down that the applicants need to lift 50 pounds and leave it at that, idiots!

Dream interview:

Beer > Bread

Why wouldn't they just be smart about their discrimination and put "must be able to lift" in the ad and then only hire dudes? I mean, if you're gonna do something illegal at least try to hide it, damn.

Funny, the ability to life 50 lbs is also a job requirement for the position I hire 10-15 people a year for. The majority of them have always been women and I've yet to notice a problem.

Also, you'd have to put it through the x-ray machine, which doesn't sound like a good idea at all.

I recall a West coast to East coast trip on which a toddler cried, in that grating, HORRIBLE way that worms its way past your inner ear to your very brain. The young Mom was young and ineffectual but — it's a restless kid, you know? I stuffed my ears with tissues, but the guy in front of her (clearly a New Yorker)…

My aunt is a flight attendant. She told me a story about a guy who wouldn't stop watching porn on a 6 hour flight and threw a fit when they tried to explain to him that it was making other passengers uncomfortable.

Me on Ambien.

I have to give my cat kitty Valium (which is technically human Valium but in a small pill or lotion form). He has severe separation anxiety and doesn't do well with change/being left alone at night/one of us going away for any extended period. It was kind of cool though. He old vet used to give me a prescription…

Hey, my name is Carl. I'm not high, I just woke up, man.

"I'm not high. *hic* Watch this."

Munchies? Check.