She seems more “pill drunk” (also known as “Elvis drunk”) than booze drunk.

“What I would do, immediately, is begin rebuilding the Sixth Fleet, I would begin rebuilding the missile defense program in Poland . . .” — Carly F.

Given that the deceased was Irish, is there any way to measure his blood-alcohol content?

I’m close friends with Brittney. I knew her before she was a virgin.

I prefer yes or no questions: “Do you have a nipple for five pennies?”

The American Way: Somebody else (not me) is doing something that I don’t want them to do. Fuck ‘em up! Now!

Ben Stiller = DDL = Lincoln.

If this is true, then it disproves the assertion that the coach or coaches ordered the hit. Texas coaches wouldn’t be sufficiently offended by a racist ref.

It’s a part-time job, it pays fairly well, and there’s lots of drama.

Either that, or their legs are glued together.

In plain English, it’s “How can we blame this on Obama?”

I imagine the average Gamestop employee as having an MFA degree and $250k in student loan debt.

The Right-wing Rosa Parks.

You left out the punchline.

You didn’t give us much of a trigger warning. Ooofa!

Yep. Or he’s alive, and the wife hands him divorce papers.

“Baylor itself never releases the actual findings.”

Farnam: My wife worked at the Herald. She fucking hated that bitch.

This is a woman who’s just had her vagina flicked.

We have many privileges in this country. One privilege is that we don’t ever have to grow up if we don’t want to.