I apologize to your current girlfriend for the freaky stuff I taught you.

I wear a US 6/8 depending on the clothes manufacturer. Not ripped.

but I just couldn’t bring myself to outright ask a Tinder match for sex.

This scale sounds like a great way to stir the same emotional response over seeing the color gray as seeing a larger number would.

“FREE MARKET! CAPITALISM! Except for the stuff we don’t like!”

I grew up backpacking and we never packed water nor treated the water we collected and drank on the trail. And you know what happened?

Regardless of where you stand on the issue, “warming up your car” does not mean leaving it running for 30 goddamn minutes while you do whatever the hell it is that neighbor did for the literally 30 minutes she regularly left her diesel truck idling outside my bedroom window at 7 AM on Saturday morning.

That’s me and headbands. Doesn’t matter what they’re made of, headbands = headache city.

Didn’t wear ‘em the first time. Even though at one point my friends were all making them like friendship bracelets.

Why did I think Paul Sorvino was dead?

They help when the user guide that comes with the thing was apparently written by drunk kindergartners.

Dumb luck, chance, and being willing to tolerate someone else’s bullshit. At an age when I should be desperate beyond belief and ready to marry any piece of shit who will have me, I’m actually the least interested in other people’s crap than I have ever been in my life.

I learned the hard way that the more into you he seems at first, the more likely he is to ghost quickly. :(

That series was so disturbing I couldn’t even finish it.

There’s a Duane Reade in Tribeca where it changed over every day whether it was one common line or one line for each register. There were so many near dustups between confused and cranky customers that I stopped going there.

Look for me and then get in any other line. I have an uncanny knack for getting in line behind the person who has a custom cake that the bakery didn’t put a tag on, the person who waits until told their total to start looking for their checkbook (???), or the person who wants to fight the cashier over not taking her…

Context? How were they forced? Were their parents consulted?

I open with “Hi! Just one!” to avoid that.

I once went on a date where he kept touching the server. There was no second date.

I hate barstools and feel like a freak insisting I can’t sit at that bar but if I’m going to pay a place to cook and bring me food, I want to be somewhat comfortable while eating it.