I want her to pretty much narrate/report EVERYTHING, EVERYWHERE, ALL THE TIME.

THIS THIS THIS THIS.

Is it wrong that I am unreasonably annoyed that a grown-ass adult woman is named “Cazzie”? It is? Too damn bad.

This is so wrong. NO lettuce is the right kind of lettuce for my sammich. Especially if my sandwich is heated. Uuuugggghhhh.

Wait wait. It’s not dirty but it IS vulgar? The fuck?

She is all of us.

Hating on Cruz is perhaps the only thing that all Americans, left or right, can find unity one. He is soooooo entirely awful.

I mean, how much training do you actually need to know not to tase a frail, elderly person? 

Christ on a cracker. I just realized she looks like Kellyanne Junior. 

I...I...I got nothing. This is beautiful. This is truth. Thank you.

Omarosa is garbage. Melania is garbage. The fat orange turd is garbage.

God help me I know we aren’t supposed to snark on someone’s appearance and I ain’t no Halle Berry but Smellyanne is just the definition of “rode hard and put away wet” and she gives me the shivers*.

This is the correct take.

I guarantee you that any meat-eater who responds to you like that does so out of their own uncertainty about what they eat, not because they actually think you judge them. It’s 100% projection.

“My” vegans and vegetarians are awesome, thoughtful, respectful people who never comment on my meat-eating. They don’t announce their dietary choices. They don’t expect me to cater to them when they come to my home.

Those people suck. And they have issues. And I’m sorry you had to deal with them.

Every. Single. Star. Take them.

I’m a huge fan of spite. 

That definitely is a “you problem” and not a “breastfeeding moms” problem. I hope you’re taking steps to deal with it.