This assumption is correct.  He tries, and it is a source of tension.  Would not want someone who could and did grow a full beard, because all beards look like my dad, and I don’t want to make out with my dad.

No. There is a second set of circumstances under which a beard is acceptable, but not “cool”.
1. Working outside in the winter - literally not cool.
2. Religious practice - you can care about having the ‘good’ afterlife or be cool, not both.

I just want this to mean she knows it’s over.
Ivanka selling f-me pumps > Ivanka “advising” president daddy in f’ing the country.

Also not our friends: sports teams.

Beards have never been cool with the following exceptions:
1. Being under 17 and able to grow a proper beard. Beard potential is assumed in adult males, and should just be shaved off.

It doesn’t count as appropriation if the donor culture can be classified as white. 

With a sledge hammer

English needed gender-neutral singular pronouns; I just wish I knew how to pronounce them.

Yes, the other problem with Ford is that all of their not-trucks have funny names.

So, things went pear-shaped when bartlett arrived?

YES; include family photo in the shame poster.

I always notice that it is an Escape that is blocking my way out.

1. The type of automatic lights that are on when the car is on and off when the car is off.
-MD has several mandatory headlight roads, and most states have a headlights while wipers are on rule. Light-sensing automatic lights can’t read those signs.
-No one needs their headlights off while driving, not even those…

Do automatic wipers distinguish between clean-enough rain and bird “rain”? Because I don’t want to pay extra for the privilege of always having bird & bug streaks on the window.

Previews of our dystopian future are pretty amusing.

Strangely enough, lax is listed as a synonym for permissive, but permissive is not listed for lax. I would say the laws are negligent if they require only the permission from parents who are initiating the marriage in the first place and a judge that doesn’t know any party involved.

That would be a fair assumption in a more general discussion about the marriage of minors, but the article above doesn’t make any mention of stupid kids asking their parents’ permission to make life-changing decisions with other stupid kids. The article only mentions minors being married off to adults, where parental…

The Onion is speaking horrors into existence.

Yes: cork screws can be used to poke open cans of milk, and some bottling companies use the annoying cap that needs a tool even for juice and water.

That is the ‘mostly true’ category.