Only if Liberace and Matt Damon were there. Honestly I’m not a saint and I enjoy the finer things but what brain mechanism allows you to achieve this level of POINTLESS SHIT THAT’S EXPENSIVE when you could quite literally end suffering for many humans and animals with those resources?? I don’t fucking get it. But I’m…

I once had to turn off an episode of Graham Norton where Graham was interviewing Alan Cumming because I was afraid the searing hot European gayness would blind my eyes.

Yes! I was The Dude one year and the only thing I was missing was the robe, which I just went to Goodwill for.

I guess thats a compliment to my wife. Sorry to nitpick also but it was really just to get the “feel” of the person wasn’t trying to win any awards.

They moved it to Adequate Man.

Sleep paralysis pro tip: it's way more likely to happen if you sleep on your back. Ever since I quit sleeping on my back I've had way less instances. I still hear voices sometimes when I'm falling asleep/ waking up, but it's significantly decreased how many times I wake up trapped in my body (where my mind wakes up…

Oh sorry, I was unclear. I didn’t have to pay it at all. I paid $0. But if I didn’t have insurance that’s what it would have cost. Thanks, Obama!

You are so awesome!!!!!! Hunt me down for whatever you need help with!

I’ve known a significant number of stand-ups in my day and I couldn’t point to one who might even be considered remotely “normal.” In a relationship, they’re needy and whiny and oddly aggressive and constantly demanding validation. I’m not crazy about sweeping generalizations but, from what I’ve seen, they’re…

This year I am going as a “Cool Cat” - as in the phrase cool cat taken to literally cat ears, sunglasses, and a faux leather jacket with jeans.

That’s why I stopped doing that. The littler kids will take a fair share, but the pre-teen/too old to be trick or treating lot will take the whole bowl

And cheapskates. Give out some candy you deadbeats.

Seriously. I LIVE for the Halloween ghost stories. God, except for those sleep paralysis ones; I would be one seriously heavily medicated ISpeakJive if I had sleep paralysis.

For Mickey’s Not So Scary Halloween Party (WDW), my son was a ghostbuster (bought costume), but I took a black t-shirt and glued on some foam ghosts painted with glow-in-the-dark paint. I went as the ghosts that he’s ghostbusting.

THIS PLEASE. This morning I actually went back over the last 3 years of Scary Stories posts looking at what date they went live muttering to myself “they’re late where are the stories give me scary stories precious my precious”

Future Mom is Ciara. Future is with Blac Chyna. Blac Chyna is Tyga Mom. Tyga is with Kylie. Kylie is...

You can do a lot with just a wig (or cornrows) and old clothes. Wayne’s World, Springbreakers, Kurt and Courtney Cobain.

The baby bump watch is EXHAUSTING. “Look! A pregnant woman walking in a grocery store! Look! Mommy To Be had a taco! Look! Future Mom wears shirt!” Being pregnant sounds like nightmare enough, I can’t imagine doing it while also being famous.

I MEAN THIS IS COOL AND ALL GUYS BUT WHERE ARE MY HALLOWEEN SPOOKY STORIES?

You sound like the worst. One, her hair in that picture is almost certainly a wig, but even if it wasn’t, what of it? There’s nothing wrong with playing around with your look. Nothing is permanent, and if you can’t fuck around with crazy hair colors in your teens and twenties, when can you? I’d rather see a funky blue…