This “scandal” is the most boring scandal to have ever been concocted. It needs to go away until some actual shit is uncovered. Boooring. Booooooooring.

Keep pounding! Some of the horse is still three-dimensional!

—at which point I, naturally, leapt to his seat and proceeded to repeatedly inform him that “It’s. Not. An. Umbrella. It’s. a. Parasol. It. Completes. My. Ensemble.” with each word punctuated by a swift pound from said parasol—

So, when I was in kindergarten, I wasn’t allowed to carry an umbrella on the bus.

Imma guess the Illuminati cut you off before you could finish

Bullshit. They would have found something else to bitch about. I mean, considering how little this fucking matters, and they’re STILL managing to make a big deal out of it, I frankly don’t think any theoretical headaches could have been saved.

That must have been a strange gig for the clown

HGTV by way of Faulkner is the single best descriptor I've ever read.

Just this summer, my uncle died. His cremated remains were brought from his state of residence to SC for interment. The graveside service, attended only by family, was held in the middle of the day during that godawful heat wave we had. It was 108 degrees. Three generations of my family stood around in our Sunday…

Okay, so let me preface this with a trigger warning: This story relates to the death-by-firearm-suicide of a young person, and includes some description of his body post-mortem. Just putting that out there for people who find that difficult to deal with.

I came very close to a pretty embarrassing funeral moment last year when one of my uncles passed away.

So a week after I started this job, a guy who no longer worked at the publication I worked for died in a car accident. I never met him, and he was a copy editor so it wasn’t like I was familiar in any way with him through what he wrote.
But nevertheless, the EOC said everyone needed to go. So I went. And somehow the…

How did “Joe The Plumber” get extended into Average Everyday Joe Sixpack America? What’s next, “Normal Average Regular Everyday Joe Sixpack Hotdog Football America”?

Typical mail behavior.

“My husband and I are vegan. My daughter is vegetarian and both of them are allergic to gluten, lactose, shellfish, soya, onions, peppers and GM foods.” I’m assuming the kids survive on eating air, then. Assuming it’s not red air, cause they’d probably be allergic to that too.

ngl I really love my engagement ring but I would trade it in for an engagement puppy in a heartbeat

One of my BFFs got an engagement puppy instead of a ring. I am so happy I was there when another friend was like “but the dog will die eventually! That’s stupid!” She answered “yes, the dog will probably die. And when he does, we’ll go down to city hall and file for divorce the next day. I’ll text you.”

Indeed! I’m 31, but I became “too old” for this around 25. My friends think I’m insane that, when I visit their city, I get a hotel room. They’re like, “OMG why would you spend money on a hotel room when you could stay with me for free??” Um maybe because I don’t want to sleep on your cat-hair couch or dirty floor and…

Can we list the entire fucking City of New York? Holy shit, a million songs, a million patriotic poems, everyone across the globe sucking its cock, and when I finally go see for the first time at age 26...