The thing about crowning achievements is that some societies are so starved of leadership that they’ll bestow rule with the least forethought. Defeating a backwards rabble of pirates is hardly the foundation of government.

The headline paired with the gif is better than anything we’ll come up with. Put down your thumbs.

NFL: here is a bajillion dollars. All you have to do is not be a despicable moron for few years, we good?

Sure, he has to retract his misuse of ‘concussion’ and ‘nerve damage’, but no one says a thing to the Lions about their use of ‘NFL Franchise’

Vladito’s tip of the hat and Hays tipping back was pretty cool too. 

The 13 fans in attendance were stoked.

I've typed out like 6 different jokes but I can't bring myself to post any. This shit isn't funny. This fucker shouldn't be playing in the NFL right now making millions of dollars. He should be in jail or therapy or both. Fuck this guy.

Yeah I got injury problems that’s the human in me

Please be patient in waiting for your file. The script is as efficient as it can be, but this is still a CPU-intensive task!

Semen Storage Blows Its Load

Serious question: Do you like cheering for plays as they happen, or do you prefer to sit in silence for 6 minutes and then politely clap after they determine the outcome of a play?
Followup: How much do you love sniffing your own farts?

Nobody cares about your Fantasy team, Gabe.

Maybe something happened that makes Bob Kraft think he can just stonewall any news if sexual misconduct in his organization and eventually it'll go away? Can't imagine what, though.

Guys, there are times to take a principled stand, but let’s be real. When you’re facing the 2019 Dolphins, it’s all hands on deck. You’re just trying to keep it close out there, and hope for the best.

From the New Scientist write-up:

No joke here, this type of shit is gonna be dangerous and used by NFL defenders to spread misinformation in the coming years. Gronk is just one of the first NFL-humpers to push this kind of thread; -guess he had to lay the groundwork for some TB12 anti-CTE water

Hey! I’d love to talk to you about it on or off the record. You can reach me at diana@deadspin.com. 

Holy crap. Perfect timing. I had an interview at safe sport a couple weeks ago and withdrew after the second round because of a weird vibe  from all involved.