oh, I am gonna use the SHIT out of that gif. Thank you!

You are very sad.

Bugger the theories of Why. Cornering someone in an elevator to hit them is a dick move, no matter who does it.

IKR? You can't wait till you get to your car? .... or the bus stop?

These stories are all too sad and pitiful to make up.

That is some fucked-up diet that doesn't let you drink plain water.

Three lemons apiece? Give me strength.

Shits and giggles, stef. That's all.

You just don't get my Protective Jewish Grandmother schtick at all, do you?

Like a little bit of lipstick would poison them? Or running a comb through their hair? Oy.

I'm sorry, but would it have killed them to dress up a little?

The phoenix earrings are amazing though.

Dude, you raped her.

From watching my friends, I often think the hardest part of parenting must be keeping a straight face.

You should shut up telling stories about your son now.

I've done a few bad things in my life, so I sleep with one eye open.

Wow, he sounds like a prize!

That's horrible. What the hell was going on there?

I've never had any grandparents and I've NEVER used their deaths as an excuse.

None of those seem like lies.