But, but ... SPORTS!

Adds Simmons, “You think I’m kidding, but I’m not making this up.”

As someone who probably saw every Simmons appearance on Letterman during their run, I always thought it was quite obvious that it was an act, on both their parts.

I always thought that Simmons was in on the cruelty act. He certainly came back to Letterman’s show enough times.

I used to see Richard Simmons on Letterman’s show in the 90's and at that time I think that Letterman brought him on because Simmons’ loud, up-beat, outgoing personality was a natural contrast to Letterman’s grumpy curmudgeon, and thus an easy way to get laughs. I remember one show where they did a taped bit about…

You know you’re watching an act from Simmons, right? His “optimism” is a sales ploy, not him. Letterman had zero patience for fakes on his show and Simmons was among the biggest fakes of them all. He came back again and again only because he was selling VHS tapes and books to suckers.

And, presumably, to Shaffer’s wife Cathy.

Upper middle class Suburban Chicagoland in 1993. Very few divorced kids because Catholicism and most moms were SAHM’s. Both my parents worked, were not religious, and I stuck out like a sore thumb haha. It was a public school though! I think participation raised money for some cause. My sister is a teacher (she’s…

Probably not. I bet she’s a bit of a ham.

Am I the only one who didn’t have princess day in my ballet class?

Congratulations, we have a wiener!

Your dad is my hero. I HAVE A SIMILAR STORY.

When Cardinal Law was whisked away to the Vatican, my father, a devout Catholic who once studied to become a priest, took his crucifix off the wall, put it in a drawer, and never spoke of the church again as long as he lived.

But the net result was still a gain, and I doubt anyone did anything really terrible.

I’m confused by this. Are you saying that it therefore only really raised 50 million (since the other 50 would’ve come in anyway)? Because if so, then it still sounds like an extraordinary success

I need to control it? Well that’s not something I can do. I’m not sure why you think that is even remotely within my skillset.

What is a GUN? Did you mean gum? GUM IS DELICIOUS. NRA? DID YOU MEAN NBA!? SPORTS BALL FOREVER!

I’d invite you to my Facebook feed, where super-moms chat AT LENGTH about the wraps they have for baby-wearing. They also discuss the horrifying monsters who put their babies in cribs, which is exactly what Hitler would have done if Hitler were a terrible mother and not a dictator.

RIP the comments section. My son is almost one so I’m just now wading into the mommy wars, but the biggest one by far has been how to handle sleep issues.

If I ever have a kid, forget sleep training, they’ll be crate-trained by 12 weeks.