Just imagine the writer putting another sentence in his 2-paragraph article. Or, failing that, finding that info somewhere on Deadspin via hyperlinks. I'm not that heavily invested in the backstory for this article, but a little exposition would be nice. 

Thank you! Going to articles tagged his name also told me nothing.

I guess as a non-soccer fan, red card doesn't quite say very much. What did he get the red card for?

Don't tell us *why* he was suspended, or anything. We're all just huge Wondolowskiphiles who've been following this case intensely.

It saddens me that I recognized the XFL logo.

Yeah, but it's one hell of a stretch to try and pass Stallone off as only 77 years old.

The Chatenooga Wild Cats are *kind of* a team.

So, unlike Antonio Brown, there was an actual investigation with evidence. So where’s the big scandal?

That's a lot of kids days.

In the criminal system, there's a series of filters between ab allegation and things being litigated. Police investigation, grand jury indictments, evidentiary hearings, etc.

They're highlighting the gratuitousness of the cliche. Like Dark Helmet turning to the camera asking, "Everybody got that??"

If towns and cities want that sweet, sweet stadium-based economy, that should come at the cost of losing this curfew bullshit. What exactly keeps Foxboro or East Rutherford alive? That’s like opening industrial plants and then bitching about the smell.

As usual, he doesn't.

I bet he's a big fan of The Vapours.

It Jeremy Rens, obviously.

Several quotes appear to have come from “people” who only read the script or novel, like D. Self, who says, “I had to keep turning the page to see what happened”—fuck, this book just straight-up taught someone how to read.

that somehow managed to culminate in the birth of his kid on camera (Spurlock’s, not Bin Laden’s)

But the *third* ammonium nitrate castle...

Ego Nwodim sounds like a bad anagram of somebody's real name. Seriously, who is that? I will definitely say that Maya Rudolph stands head and shoulders above the rest of that list. And I can barely remember her being in the cast.

Doesn't everyone forget Joe Piscopo? Joe Piscopo's mom probably forgets he was on SNL.