I can’t believe he’s still #1 after the Republican debate. That man is made of teflon!

Exhibit A: Plymouth Rock

I sliced my thumb open (with a knife) over the weekend. Had to get the skin flap on my thumb glued back together. Still, a cut with a serrated knife blade pales in comparison to a cardboard paper cut.

This means those Californians choking on Sriracha fumes (whimps!) will live forever and inherit the Earth.

I Pooped the Bed on My Honeymoon. I think this wins.

Wait...what? There was an American version of Broadchurch? Blasphemy! I loved that show and no one can replace David Tennant in my heart.

I once saw a picture of a bedazzled vagina! It was horrifying/mystifying.

At first I scoffed at $600, then I looked at the coloring of her hair and I could believe it. My haircut costs about $250 for a more balayage type of color + haircut. It seems like Hillary gets a similar treatment at a very upscale salon. I live in Boston.

This had better be on Netflix.

You guys, I can’t wait for the Republican debate this week. It’s going to be fucking amazing.

“...so many women that are so judgmental about everything. ‘What, you’re gonna work?’”

I think a woman died from a bison attack at the park recently doing the same attack thing.

BY JOVE A CONSPIRACY I SAY! I use a space heater in my office 365 days a year. I am considering getting a humidifer too because the air is too dry. My husband has his own thermostat in his office (perks of big law)

Here is my version of how an online feud should be done. My uncle’s mother posted a photo of a cloud that looked like an angel and I made what I think is a funny comment on my own cloud interpretation. The resulting comment from his mother’s sister is below (she REALLY cares about cloud shapes you guys!). I responded…

I guess that Grammy nomination for Anaconda was no match for the prestigious popcorn man.

I cannot wait for the Republican debate. It is going to be amazing.

I have been forced to wear shirts like this when I was a bridesmaid. Think hot pink tank top with bedazzled words.

My friend once convinced a drunk girl at college that she got into a bear fight when the girl asked about a scar on my friend’s chest from a recent surgery. It was basically a 3 inch straight line and she came up with this whole plot about fighting with the bear and how it only caught her with one claw.

I think celebrities should be advertising Valtrex for herpes. I have this conspiracy plot where a lot of celebrities have herpes (e.g. every lady who has slept with John Mayer, i.e. the Outbreak Monkey, and every person these ladies have slept with thereafter then get it, etc. = Hollywood Herpes Pandemic). Valtrex…