My mom was raised supa-catholic, must be something in that communion wine, eh?

To quote my beloved Mitch Hedberg (RIP fool), This shirt is dry clean only, which means.... it’s dirty.

He is pretty great, as is his mom, who definitely raised her sons right.

I work in a small office (3 women) and the cabinet below the sink looks like a goddamn CVS aisle. It is a wonder to behold. There is stuff in there I didn’t even know existed, like thong panty liners?!

I have a bag I bought at the Zar like 3 years ago and it has held up pretty well. The clothes are hit-or-miss... I always shop in person and most of the time I leave empty handed because a lot of it just feels so cheap.

I feel like this will work 99% of the time. Or even just say, “Sorry, I can’t hear you, all the blood is rushing out of my uterus!” and point one hand to your ear and the other to your crotch.

ugh this is the only gif I could find of that fabulous JUNGLE RED! scene in The Women.

Well, my mom got a laugh once at target when we ran in to get tampons and chewies for the dog. Then we threw a toblerone on the basket and the lady behind the register was like I FEEL YOU LADY and we all had a chuckle.

PREACH.

Right. So, this past weekend, I was grocery shopping, as one does, and got the essentials. You know, kale and lentils, hair spray, dog biscuits, mega pack of tampons and pads, ben and jerrys cookie core ice cream, texas-shaped cheez-its, 800 cases of la croix sparking water.

God gave you those cavities. Satan is offering you root canals.

God gave you myopia so it is an affront to his will to wear glasses.

Exactly. These are also the same people that are like ‘burger flippers want to raise minimum wage but soldiers should be paid more so go fuck yourself working class america” like to raise minimum wage would be to deny also raising the salary soldiers draw.

I have lots of pictures of soldiers in uniforms, with amputated limbs, captioned “who is the hero” kind of bullshit.

Right? The hair o my thighs is not as coarse but still really evident since I have dark hair.

Eh I was a 6-8 when I weighed that much. I’ve got a few inches on you and I have broad shoulders.

Are you trying to say you didn’t enjoy the absolute crapfest that was The Martian Chronicles miniseries starring one Rock Hudson?

nose-burny, not mouth-burny.

I like them mixed in with parsnips and carrots, roasted. I’ve never tried doing them all by themselves.

Esther, we should eat radishes because they are delicious — raw, braised, or roasted. They are also full of vitamin C, folate, potassium, and B6.