Customers are always commenting on how helpful he is in terms of pointing them towards the best ointments for treating a shattered pelvis...

Don’t undersell yourself: you’re definitely an accountant...

You also failed to mention that she’s an “engineering”...

You’ve been waiting to make that reference your whole goddamn life, haven’t you?

It’s also important to note that The Cars — as far as I know anyway -- didn’t rape children...

This is a trick question. The VMAs were never good and I was never 15!

Oh yeah. The Greaseballs...

This was conceived in a much too narrow manner. I think you could argue that the Lions are the worst franchise in all professional sports...

Holy hell, Irsay was a fucking madman. That’s some proto-Trump shit right there! 

That ain’t chocolate syrup...

I stopped in Indiana on the way to Six Flags (the one north of Chicago) exactly one day before OJ’s white Bronco chase. We filled up at a gas station, and the owner of said establishment asked us if me and my friends wanted to fuck his wife...

So does that mean that a grilled cheese isn’t a sandwich?

It must be. I just can’t see the risk of injury being higher in basketball than hockey...

Phillip Morris International remembers...

And basketball lower than hockey...

What’s your favorite branch of the notary? The armory, the navel, or the arm furnace?

Too many long, drawn out stories about covered bridges...

What the fuck is going on with the apostrophes in that gif?

I wouldn’t be so sure that the last letter wasn’t written by the lead singer of Aerosmith. Consider this lyric from “Sweet Emotion,” one of their most popular songs:

Was it Charles Nelson Reilly?