God, I hate Kimbrel’s pre-pitch pose...

Something tells me that the photo embedded in the middle of the story is older than the one under the headline...

In a twist worthy of an M. Night Shyamalan movie, the father turns out to be the lab technician who processed the urine...

Thankfully, Al Harrington went on to bigger and better things...

You’re still in the greys after fourteen years? Jesus, I’m still in the greys after two years, but I just assumed that someday I’d join the elect in the promised land. Now I’m not so sure...

Your only option is to put down your phone and go to sleep. This world just isn’t meant for you...

And what about little baby ducks, old pickup trucks, slow-movin’ trains... 

Why, just the other day I screamed “Hey 6 monthsy!” at a lesbian while I was waiting in line at the post office...

- thinking “in case” is one word...

Every time that character appeared on SCTV, you knew you were about to see something bizarre. His spoof of Gimme Shelter (entitled Gimme Jackie, of course) is pretty great, as is the episode where he runs for president...

“Never meet your idols appears to be the takeaway here.”

Sorry, I was just hoping to summon him like Beetlejuice, but I guess I have to say his name two more times for that to work...

Jesus fucking Christ...

One time I tore an oblique while masturbating. This might sound like hyperbole, but it was like a million 9/11s combined...

Can I buy cocaine off you?

And McKinney, a man who can hit marginally better than Drury but play the field significantly worse...

The best part of the image you concocted is the Stanley Cup lying on its side. Phil Kessel is just absent-minded enough to do that...

It was a carton! A CARTON OF CIGARETTES!!!

London’s looking to become the world leader in building 25 square foot lean to’s out of tarps and splintered tree branches...

Not a lot of people know that Catherine wrote one of the most popular child-rearing books of the 18th century. It’s called It Takes A Potemkin Village...