Pro-tip: Always kick to the genitals. People have a natural instincts to pay attention to your hands.

Man, if I were in college and a girl accused me of roofie-ing her, I’d have been like, “You think I look like I can afford to spring for date rape drugs? Must be the new shoes!”

The wall isn’t about racism. The wall’s about Trump getting to claim he built the Great Wall of America.

You know, I feel like he’s basically Harry Kane. He doesn’t really wow you, he’s just tireless enough, and he can uncork moments of awkward, ungainly brilliance.

Well, it makes sense, if that person’s vegan for ethical reasons. You can’t have ‘em going around offering up dead animals.

“finish under her own power & on her own terms.”

I agree. I mean, it’s kind of a weird hill to die on.

“When did 80% onions become acceptable?”

There’s a reason that golfers come out of nowhere to win Grand Slams and tennis players don’t.

I think it’s that comedy’s actually gotten dumber.

You talk about the FBI always leaning conservative, but you remember what life was like when we had a Democratic head of the FBI, right? This shit goes both ways, both parties do it, it’s all the same.

Lonely Island did it first. (end of the song.)

He really doesn’t. Like he can consume like 10 million calories a day. He doesn’t need to leave scraps.

“But this time he really got burned. He touched it a very long time. It wasn’t just a momentary phenomena. And when he picked up his hand, he saw what happened.”

Man, Harden’s gonna need some time off after that beat down. Sounds like he needs a Holiday.

Is that the violin-playing basketball guy from Season 2 of American Vandal?

If I was President, I would run the DOPEST craps games.

#browbeaten

That dude has impressive reload time on his shoes.

Not so funny story, that guy’s in jail for life now.