Wow, he's like the Wile E. Coyote of horrible, dangerous exes.

The Other Woman and I each insisted on using condoms because we didn't entirely trust the dude; but SHE had been counting the condoms in his bedside drawer every time they hooked up to reassure herself while I brought my own. Best laid plans.

Then he told me that he felt like cutting his head off, putting it in a box, and mailing it to me.

YOU MEAN THEY WEREN'T?! OMG! My mind is blown!!

haha, that's why I dumped my very first 'boyfriend'. He wanted to kiss me at the back of the bus, I wasn't ready and had to take drastic action. I dumped him.

I'm pretty sure that was my ex. His ex-girlfriends & I always got along like gang busters. He broke up with me (the second time) by telling me, *just as we were about to have sex*, that we needed to use a condom because he'd been sleeping with someone else. Of course I tried to play it cool so we could continue with…

We could have been very slutty sixth graders together. I dumped a boy without flinching because he wouldn't hold my hand during movie day. Those eleven year-old-boys were such prudes!

I got this.

Things hadn't been going well with Mr. JackAss for a couple months, but I had decided to stick through it during the holidays. Then, one afternoon, he offered to let me drive his Jeep. I shifted over to the driver's seat as he walked around to the other side. I adjusted the seat, and checked the mirrors as…

He called you his sweet, sensual, delicious, intelligent Jewess and you break up with him? C'mon, that is a pure, steaming heap of gold, right there.

When I left my abusive boyfriend, he tried to get to me via my friends. He'd tell them things, hoping they'd pass it on to me, and I'd feel bad. My friends did tell me all of the things he said, because they were fucking HILARIOUS. Our favorite was: "I howl all the time and I'm turning yellow."

A+ for shitting in his car.

I would like to believe I would always react this way - since reasonably the partner cheating on you is the one who deserves all the ire, not the person they're cheating with - but I'm not sure. It was a lucky combination of him being an asshole and me knowing he was an asshole, her being awesome and as determined to…

I'm just impressed. I would spend the rest of my life fantasizing about strangling both of those people. I wish I could be as malleable.

I love the "man, I'll go on a date with you, but only because I'm out of red Gatorade." That is excellent.

There was a guy I was into in between high school and college, but I knew that I was about to meet a ton of new people so I told him I didn't want to officially "date". Still, we basically talked as if we were dating. Then within a few weeks of getting to college I met someone that I really enjoyed being with, was in…

Ugh I don't have any bonkers ones. But there was this time in college I had been dating a girl for like a week and wasn't feeling it, so I went to her place to break up with her, but before I could break up, she started breaking up with me and I had to defend myself.

Like no no no no wait, I came here to break up…

Okay. So it's funny now, but at the time it was infuriating.

I shoved my wedding ring down my exes throat!

The pathological liar ex (I have posted about him before) and I had a relationship built entirely on dancing, fights and sex. It took me forever to understand that he was cheating on me, and I accepted his increasingly wild stories about his "friend" who was just "really emotionally fragile right now" and who I kept…

This was not my proudest moment, but when I got dumped by a guy who had sworn eternal love just long enough to hook me and then stomp on my heart, I called a florist, had them cut the heads off a dozen long-stemmed roses and deliver the wrapped-with-a-ribbon box of stems to the asshole during a long business meeting…