Ugh, I still remember my 6th grade teacher shaming me in front of the whole class. We were allowed to take off our uniform vests in hot weather since our school wasn't air conditioned. I took mine off, and she hissed, "Put that back on, don't think I don't see what you're up to." It was so humiliating.

Don't get me started on urgent, magnesium-related bathroom dashes and the times the mineral has won...

Once, when I was barely over 21, I got together with an old childhood friend that I hadn't seen in years. We proceeded to get Very drunk, cry about her abortion, and then get even more Very drunk.

About an hour away from our house, we have a little lake place. It is legit a trailer that I paid 5k for, so it is nothing fancy, but it's in a little community of about 20 trailers thirty feet from the lake. It's a place I've been going to my entire life, same with my mother and grandparents; it's a fairly close…

Oh, here's one I can share, because it didn't happen to me, but I'm still the butt (heh) of the joke because British.

I had an upper endoscopy procedure done a couple months ago. It involved twilight sedation which was some drug cocktail including Propofol. Before they knocked me out- I saw a "pee pad" down on the hospital bed. From working with the elderly, I knew what this was. I asked if it was for uncontrollable bodily functions,…

My dog pooped on my pillow once. While I was using it.

This is the Pissing Contest I have been waiting for:

People like to shit on my mom's things. I'm not sure why. Like, a guy (or, lady, I guess) shitted inside (she used not to lock her doors) my mom's minivan in a Kohls parking lot while she was in the store. She didn't discover it until she got home, because he/she pooped between the seat and sliding back door.

I've told this story to three people who weren't there, so if you're reading this and you recognize me: hi.

Ohhh, this is my whole area. My friends and I have regular conversations about people we know shitting themselves, as we all agree it is one of the most hilarious things in the world.

For my first few months at college, I lived in an all-girls dorm with communal bathrooms. Using the toilet was disgusting. There was this one person that never fuckin managed to shit in the fuckin toilet. She either shat on the toilet seat or somehow splattered it on the entire toilet, sometimes it was even splattered…

When I was in college I had a friend (lets call her Laura) who begged me to go to a party with her. I refused. I just wasn't interested.

I'm sure I have a boatload of these stories because I've had issues with my tract for years: shitting water, horrible intestinal inflammation, rabbit poops, feathery craps, and everything in between— even the weird peanut butter kind that's the color of raw peanuts.

I can offer two!

One time a guy I was seeing confessed to me in one fell swoop (through g-chat!) that he had a girlfriend, she was pregnant, they were getting married and oh... they also had chlamydia. And it was likely that I, too, had chlamydia.

Just the other day I was changing my daughters diaper and she kicked my hand, which sent a piece of poop flying out of the diaper and on to the floor. Before I could even see where it landed, my poop eating yellow lab had already eaten it. I am sure she thought, ooh dessert!

I pooped my pants at the Taj Mahal, the palace of love. Well, it was the palace of poop that day...

Once I had a lady problem that required a trip to the Doctor because over the counter meds weren't cutting it. So I leave work to drive to the Gyno. I think I have to fart, but instead manage to accidentally shit myself while driving on the highway. In my panic, I also manage to drive into a construction area and hit…

....rrrrribit...