To be fair the new whitehouse.gov/celebrityapprentice page is great.

Stop calling her a Jackie Kennedy wanna- be. She’s clearly a Carla Bruni knock-off.

A note saying, “Help Me, Please!”

is it sad that our fake TV president isn’t quite as evil as our actual real-life president?

When I was 15 years old, I tried hallucinogens for the first time.

I just want
Anybody else
And when I think about you
I punch myself

Suppose we threw an inauguration and nobody came?

Isn’t there a passage in the Good News Bible where Moses or a Buzzfeed editor or someone comes up with “10 Simple Hacks...” I forget about what.

That cheered me up.

The Monster Diaries

Nice work. I can’t even get my movements to control MY movements when I’m drinking.

that was… amazing.

Good news is that we can probably slow them all down when they have to got back for a shitload of nickels

You want a pig? I can get you a pig, believe me. There are ways, Dude. You don’t wanna know about it, believe me. Hell, I can get you a pig by 3 o’clock this afternoon... with nail polish.

It’s been nice seeing you all. I’m taking a social media, blog, and news break until Monday. I’m just going to listen to old Quincy Jones albums all weekend and drink Manhattans and hope like hell that Allen Funt will pop out from behind a tree and yell, “Smile! You’re all on Candid Camera!”

Fuck me. I mean, say what you want about the tenets of National Socialism, Dude, at least it’s an ethos. 

I hope she’s there in court to remind him of the mess he left...

‘Cause he had one hand in her pocket, and the other one was depositing all of her money in a Swiss bank account.