“It’s time to take out the trash” - Bette Midler

We shouldn’t compare men to dogs; dogs listen, men don’t.

Luke or Seabrook? Who cares! Ant-catheters for all!

I want to put a catheter full of fire ants up his pee hole.

I honestly think human babies are some of the least-cute mammal babies. Sometimes I feel like a robot when people are like, “Oh, aren’t you the cutest thing!” to a baby and I’m like, excuse me, have you literally never seen a puppy?

As another perpetual single this is something that I’m dying to know as well.

It’s a little more than “not exactly what happened.”

The hypocrisy of the GOP makes my brain hurt.

You know I’m torn on this! As a woman and person of color it’s great for ME. I mean how nice will it be to just be handed a high paying writers gig without doing any work at all or having any talent, you know? I could call up a few late night shows and have a job tomorrow, no resume or writing samples required!

Kidnapping and torturing children is all good. They’re your property after all.

I try not to judge other parents, cause parenting is hard. But if you put your kid in conversion therapy I judge you. You are a shit parent.

I’d set myself on fire, honestly. Or I’d write in Snuffleupagus.

Panton told Jezebel in an emailed statement. “Ted and I had many mutual friends who would usually stop by to watch movies, play video games, or even engage in long, fun discussions about politics, philosophy, and life.”

Rachel: Now this is just the first chapter, and I want your absolute honest opinion, okay? Oh, oh, and on page two he’s not ‘reaching for her heaving beasts’.
Monica: What’s a ‘niffle’?
Joey: You can usually find them on the ‘heaving beasts’.
Rachel: All right, all right, all right. So I’m not a great typist
Ross: Wait!…

Pssst, Kanye. Your wife didn’t become famous for cancer research. At least Amber Rose owns her past, where as your wife pretends hers didn’t exist.

Amber Rose was never going to passively let herself be molded into anything by this wannabe Pygmalion. And he can’t get over it.

This.

I’d make a face if someone whacked me in the arm too - no idea why this was such a big deal.

“What if I got my puppy from a breeder in Canada?” A small child asked in the crowd.