I had to deal with some of these fuckers when they came to my campus on Wednesday, showing off pictures of dead fetuses. They screamed at me, and came uncomfortably close. They also told me my parent's interracial and interfaith marriage was going to go to hell. And that I dishonored them for being gay. So I made a…

SUCH a Toby fangirl over here. I don't know if it's the politics or the grumpiness, but I had a dream a couple of nights ago that I was married to him in the late 1800s. It was pretty much the best dream I've ever had.

My best friend is a 5'3" tiny woman, and she runs all the time. Once she was alone and a dude on his bike smacked her ass. So she shoved him off his bike and yelled, "THAT'S WHAT YOU GET FOR NOT WEARING A HELMET, ASSHOLE!!!" and then ran off.

I disapprove of tucking. I'm an anti-tucker! First thing I do when I get to a (my) hotel room is to untuck that shiz! A tucked bed is a foot jail. I am not a mummy!

Maybe they should try praying away the video.

It's 2014. Why the hell is this still an issue? Didn't we go through this crap in the 70s, when people had divorced parents? Was I so fucking revolutionary in the 80s to keep my real name upon marriage, aka my "maiden name" ? Don't women have their OWN NAMES yet? [screams, punches drywall]

It runs right after Queen of Jordan.

this has "30 Rock show-within-a-show" written all over it.

Oh fuck. Now whenever I put on a black t-shirt and unremarkable jeans (i.e. most of the time) I have to feel like I'm playing right into the Gap's conspiracy to suck away everyone's individuality and personal identity. From now on I'm only leaving the house wearing old-timey bathing suits with the nipples cut out.

Jesus, I clearly know nothing about cats. Pls watch this instead:

have fun in jail fuckers

Hmmm... could there be any other reason why black people didn't have jobs at NASA in 1969? A real head-scratcher, that one!

Aaaaaaaaaaah... pee towel?!? Where did I put my brain bleach?

I used to be a Kindergarten teacher and the first lesson I learned was that children, almost without exception, are all little sociopaths.

Also, Canadians! There are more than 5 of us, I'm sure. ;-)

I kind of wish this were a series: Lindy West Ruins Movies!

I'm not even halfway done but I can tell you right now I've never laughed so hard at a movie review in my life. BLESS YOU, LINDY WEST.

Nicholas Sparks is the Thomas Kinkade of the literature world.