FOR THE LAST TIME I AM NOT INTERESTED IN YOUR PRODUCT THANK YOU *slams down phone*

The used a naked flame to examine an underground build up of gas? How did it all go wrong?

David Attenborough and Morgan Freeman should have a voice-off.

Her eyes are just beautiful. I fear I may already be quite enamoured.

All Americans need to understand - Piers Morgan has always, always, always been a heinous individual. He's been responsible for manipulating stocks, fraud, printing flat-out lies in the newspapers he's managed and has never been above petty threats throughout his career. He once sent one of his journalists to the…

Straight-up - that's fucking insane.

Every time I hear about the US internet situation I'm amazed you all aren't rioting in the streets about it. Here in the UK even small isolated towns usually have access to at least a half-dozen different fibre wire providers to choose from. My best friend living in a tiny Scottish village in the middle of nowhere can…

I just looked up the Brillance crash tests and if I ever even think about getting in one and want someone there with a gun to shoot me before I do because it would be safer.

On behalf of the UK I would like to apologise for Piers Morgan. We are truly deeply sorry.

Quick guide to win at Kerbal: Strap some rockets to some other stuff and SEE WHAT HAPPENS.

I know what you're thinking and let me just say, "Her" is not a celebration of the lonely sensitive indie guy - it's a very specific criticism of it and the needy clingy self-righteousness it entails.

When in doubt I always turn to the wizened words of Mark Kermode: "I'm not angry, I'm just disappointed - and I'm very disappointed."

Every single one of these are glorious without exception and I hope all the featured couples are enjoying a long and happy matrimony.

Only when they're played by Brits.

Which one of these buttons gets me a latte?

If there's one thing Jezebel has shown me it's the female predilection for cartoon foxes.

Don't worry, I'm sure Maldonaldo will behave himself.

Saw "12 Years A Slave" - Great movie with tons of big name stars but she blew all of them away. Amazing talent.

I still think he'd make a grade-A Bond villain. Just imagine Daniel Craig having to infiltrate some weird-sexy-undersea bunker and finding Idris at the centre of it wearing a sharp Armani and a stolen nuclear submarine.

Top Gear should crash it into a Toyota Hilux and see what happens.