How To Wank Friends and Influence People

"Honey, think of it as a time to… get creative."

Word of warning, jackfruit was appropriate in name only.

He meant Jason Bateman.

My "buddy" in junior high was a banana peel between two mattresses.

"things that I need to be doing"

The Jew-print

[FARTS] *cries from the pain*

It only works with Nashville filter, inexplicably.

I thought that was from Snaks on a Plan?

I'll get to the BTTM…

In other news, I photoshop myself into pictures of cute cats with avocado toast to get more instagram likes.

Yeah and who wouldn't want a cute, poor woman whose parents are dead and now works for CTA to get something nice in her life like a real, loving, quirky family? The winters here are COLD DAMMIT and we all need somebody.

Fuck it, Harry/Moaning Myrtle forever

Geez that's a cynical reading of While You Were Sleeping. I will NOT, I repeat, NOT be rationalized into hating my favorite Sandra Bullock movie.

Maybe they're Everything Bagels!

Geez dude let me visit it first.

Nope. The casting call clearly says "moops".

That's how we solve the opioid crisis: consolidation!

Was it Liz and Dick?