It’s actually true— the ambulance didn’t come equipped with a time machine to go back two weeks so his parents could take him to a doctor.

This is what I don’t understand. Okay, autism, SEVERE autism is a challenge, but it is surely better than death. And most autism seems to fall into a spectrum that makes it both workable and just another issue of being alive, really.

I just.... fuck this. Fuck everything. What the fuck is happening? I am starting to feel like I should never leave my house or interact with people again.

Your honor, he wants to finger me with all his rings on.

Remember that time the dude tried to kidnap the lady or whatever and she called for help with the Pizza Hut app? There really is nothing we cannot accomplish with pizza

Pizza saves lives

Kristen Taekman’s husband Josh was the WORST. Such a stupid, whiny, incompetent “Business Man” who cried about being on a conference call with FIVE other people. I laughed and laughed.

I also would argue that classifying the Ghostbusters as true “scientists” is kind of a stretch. Does anyone remember the original? They were mostly hacks with no real, useful scientific knowledge who were looking into clearly fake phenomena until a real ghost unexpectedly landed in their laps.

I’m basic and always go immediately to Homogenic.

He’s afraid of them.

Have you tried just turning your cashews off and then on again?

It might not make you live longer, but eating this way will probably make your life *seem* a lot longer...

can’t wait until someone tells her that she, too, will die like everyone else

Did you know that jet fuel can’t melt steel beams either? LOOK INTO IT.

Superb Owl 50 will take place between Charlotte Kitties and the Colorado Horsies to determine the winner of the Notably Foolish Leak championship. Key and Peele might be the only worthwhile part of the Superb Owl

Yup totally works.

Counterpoint:

I’m gonna go with equally punchable.