An anti-gravity ray that I can use to float cyclists out of my way. One minute they are blocking the road, the next they are ET-ing it over my head as I pass by underneath. They can continue on unharmed as I pass undelayed. Win-win, surely. 

Nobody has any money to spare because we spend it all on rent and maybe groceries if we’ve anything left over. And nobody has any free time, because we’re spending it all working to pay for rent and maybe some groceries, and maybe getting four or five hours sleep if we’re lucky.

Hear me out, but Dacia. If you want cheap wheels, with a minimum of salespressure, then Dacia is the answer. I know, shocked me too, but they are cheap, reliable, affordable products. 

I’m from the UK, so I’ve seen a lot. We’re worse than Florida when it comes to cheap flights to Spain.

Tell us how you really feel, why don’t you?

Some early models of the Austin Maestro have the alternator mounted on the bottom of the engine. So everytime you went through a deep puddle the car cut out. Take a lap, British Leyland, for a car that doesn’t work in the rain, for the rainiest island on the planet. 

Before or after the apocalypse and collapse of society?

I’d just like to drive to work and not get stuck in roadworks, or trapped behind a line of tanker-wankers from the local dairy plant. I call either pretty ambitious. 

They were just the Good Ol’ Boys, Never Meaning No Harm...

Yeah, I don’t get it either. But what do I know. 

Okay, so let me just say what is meant by that...

But not the fast food delivery? That is probably a good call by the bear. The driver is probably more edible than most takeouts. 

My approach too. Too many pureists would never put tyre to tarmac if they had their way. I’ve seen people turn up to carmoots with their supposedly running cars in the back of lorries, and they just run them for five minutes to show the judges, and then they go straight back into the lorry and back to the garage. And…

I’ve not worried too much about using genuine replacement parts. I use whatever fits. It is a British Leyland special, there is no point getting precious over it. BL certainly didn’t. You think BL wouldn’t have crammed in a Ford escort seat in the front and a Vauxhall Nova bench in the back if they could’ve gotten…

Clearing out all the carboard boxes in the garage that have surrounded it since Christmas. Where does all this crap even come from? I can put the car away nice and neat in an empty garage and by Easter it is surrounded by its own cardboard box fort.

I once drove from Kilmarnock in the UK to Gibraltar for a holiday, vacation for all you Americans, taking the Portsmouth/Bilbao ferry. So it was like a little minicruise inbetween and we cut out driving through France. Which seemed fun, except that one of my friends I was sharing the driving with went and lost the car…

Fucking A! Look in your rearview, more than three cars stacked up behind you but none in front? Speed up, or pull the fuck over and let them pass. 

I know it is taught, but there should be more emphasis on it.

If you are a tourist. Don’t drive. Go somewhere else. Have you considered France instead?