Oh man, no fucked up way I could die would really surprise my family. I used to wear underwear on top of my head as a teenager and pretend I was a superhero. Like, I'd buy thongs, never wear them as such, and put the material part for my mask.

At least you'd have a kick ass Eulogy, Obituary, and more. People would be…

I have one. We love telling this story, and by we, I mean my whole fucking family.

My Aunt got married in 2011. The wedding went fine, what did not go fine was the reception. Most of that was all good and well, but her groom got really fucking drunk. To the point he was vomiting in a garbage can. One of his buddies…

My whole family did that when my Mom was in the hospital. The nephews were stretching them to put them on their heads. I was like "Damn.... I wish my head was that small so I could pretend to be a chicken too."

Not as many as the patients will use, as soon as the doctors are nurses are out of the room, it's BALLOON TIME!

*Fist Pump!* Stay away from the Twitter feed too. People are assholes. :(

FUCK YES.

Okay, Biebers, you are not allowed to own any animals anymore. Just stop. You suck at it. Quit it, right now.

Variety is the spice of life! ... Or some shit like that.

Does it mention how many tubes of lube she needed? Cause I'm assuming she needed a metric FUCK TON.

Why do I suspect this is one of my exes? Nope. Not gonna click the link. I ate earlier today and would like to eat again at some point in my life.

I'm so sorry for your loss. :(

Thank you! That helped!

Nopetopusing the fuck outta this one. Did Mark send you this one?!

Is there some place online that explains this? I love reading fucked up shit like this. I'm always curious about these things and... Well, I have nothing but time on my hands. I googled it but didn't find anything explaining what the hell I witnessed.

People are thankful for Children's Laughter, right up until you hear it at 3am, and you don't have any children in your house.

Don't let anyone guilt you about moving. You did what you had to, to save yourself. Don't let ANYONE make you feel like shit for that. If they try, point out to them, you saved yourself. Who the fuck else was going to do it? Certainly not them. They can fuck off if they expected you to stay there and die.

The funeral…

Tell her "Mom, there are some things that I feel like our relationship will go better if we just NEVER TALK ABOUT.

Number one, is Politics. No one likes to talk politics. Why the FUCK do we even bother? They bring everyone down. So please, let's not discuss it, at all.

The fact he just sprayed some of his deodorant on just one of her pits, and not the other, is hilarious to me. That is the best!

I love how the look on her face is like "I have no urge to be in a photo with you, asshole. Let me go back to sleep."

Can we please all start a pool to set this bitch on fire, should she EVER say shit to your son? Cause, I've got a lighter. I'm willing to do it. I just need some travelling money....