And all these scoldings, I don't understand

Mars ain't the kind of place to scratch a couch
The fabric's cold as hell
And there's no one there to reprimand us, if we did

AND I THINK IT'S GONNA BE A LONG LONG TIME

I'm a rocket cat.

Food does not need to double down as functional. As a former sous chef this is the kind of crap that I hate. I bet the "cookie" taste like fucking shit because it is too busy being a fucking cup instead of a cookie.....#cookingpetpeeves

And in honor of Jared Leto's award, CVS is going to offer a 50% discount on all douches.

UBERTROUT HATES THE WAY AMERICA IS RUN. HE WANTS TO PUT A KITCHENETTE IN THE OVAL OFFICE. HE THINKS OBAMA SHOULD WRITE ALL HIS PRESIDENTIAL WRITINGS DOWN BY CARVING THEM INTO THE SIDE OF A PUMPKIN.

Tim Marchman: Halloween Candy, Ranked

Readers deserve an explanation. This is the cereal discussion we had before Marchman went rogue.

I clicked on this thinking "if Cinnamon Toast Crunch isn't #1 this list is bullshit." So this list is 20 steps below bullshit, and three below getting hit by a car.

At first I was confused, becaue thhis could not possibly be an actual ranking. then I realized that the headline is wrong. It should be

"Fuck childhood." —Tim Marchman

*LIST ONLY VALID IF YOU EAT CEREAL FOR INCONTINENCE

TIM MARCHMAN DOES NOT SPEAK FOR THE REST OF THE DEADSPIN STAFF.

I have been drinking a lingonberry spritzer all damn day and I am happy as can be. Winter be damned! I've switched to my spring drink!

YOU CAN TAKE THAT GARBAGE OYSTER HATRED AND SHOVE IT.

I'm not one of those "I was spanked and I'm fine!" people, I'm one of the "I was abused and it was called spanking" people. So I don't think this bill sounds perfect, but a legal definition of spanking that takes the belts, brushes, or other weapons out of the hands of the adult sounds like a step in the right…

I like Borscht. You just don't appreciate beets and the deep existential questions they hint at answering.