I need a tray so bad. I currently just sit my computer on the toilet lid, and i’m too terrified about dropping my tablet in the bath to use it there.

I did this for DAYS after getting this submission.

Saw this yesterday and thoroughly enjoyed it. I keep asking people how this stunt is any different from that whole “Sharia Law” term that gets thrown about in horror by Christians. Isn’t that fear, in essence, a group of people holding the laws of their faith above the laws of the land?

Oh, dear. When Ms. Davis gets out of jail, she will have turned gay. Dr. Ben Carson said so and he went to medical school. Then she will have to get divorced for the 4th time and marry a woman. I hope someone will issue her a marriage license.

Word. When my then 8 year old son asked me to make him a sandwich, my response was: “Come over here for a minute and let me show you how to make one”. I wanted my son to be independent, not 30 and asking me to do the difficult task of getting out bread and a slice of meat and cheese.

Many years ago at the group home for developmentally disabled teens where I worked there was a resident who really, really wanted to go to the best steak house in the city for his 18th birthday. He had behavior and anger issues, but was determined to earn that birthday dinner, and he managed it. So another staff…

I’m going to try this at work, only I think I’ll throw the boiling water on the person who thought it was fine to microwave fish-sticks in the community microwave.

They haven’t kept up with ANY of the multitude of studies that show that IUD’s are perfectly safe for nulliparous women. Clearly they’re running on outdated and bad science.

I buy the tubes of cookie dough with no intention whatsoever of baking them into actual cookies. I slice off a round and that’s dessert. #unrepentent

“EAT YOUR SHAME CREATIONS IN SOLITUDE LIKE THE REST OF US, FREAK!”*

Some of these customers really need to learn when to keep stuff private. Like raw cake batter...whip up a cake mix and eat it at home. Hell, a lot of the brownie batter doesn’t make into the pan when I bake. Want to suck straight caramel sauce out of the jar or bag? Do so at home, treat yo self. You can even find…

Batiste Dry Shampoos! The spray is tinted in several different shades so you don’t have to worry about your hair getting that tint of white! http://www.amazon.com/Batiste-Shampo…

Batiste Dry Shampoos! The spray is tinted in several different shades so you don’t have to worry about your hair…

We don’t do showers in the UK; they’re viewed as grasping and tacky. But if I got an invitation stating no boxed gifts, my gift would be lots of tupperware boxes, individually wrapped.

My husband went out for beers with some buddies last night. I always joke about how they never talk about anything substantial at these get togethers (ex: his BFF got an annulment 2 days after having a destination wedding and my husband didn’t get around to finding out what the hell happened for more than 2 years). So…

christ on a cracker that divorce could not have happened fast enough

I literally did this last night. Got totally naked and I changed my mind. And you know what happened? I did not get raped. That dudes brain stayed firmly in his skull, and he got me an ice cream sandwich and we drank beers in my bed. No has the same meaning with or without panties. Slow your roll Dr. Ruth.

Oh man, I cried for 3 days straight when I found out a guy who once claimed to be in love with me ran off and got engaged. I never said anything other then a meek congratulations, and I eventually found someone, but I still hope she gets fat. Like so fat she gets elephant trunk legs.

“No such thing is possible. In the Talmud, in the Jewish tradition, it says when that part of the male anatomy is aroused and there’s an erection, the brain flies out of that and we have to take that very seriously, so I don’t agree with that.”