A good rule of thumb to live by: never put anything you find in Times Square inside your body.

sorry for being good at my job

“DNA material” does not have to mean semen, but can include hair or skin cells. I’m hoping you were able to produce those at age 9.

You don’t recall producing microscopic skin cells at 9 years old? Because that is what they found.

For whatever reason, there’s been a longstanding difficulty in her relationship with the press that meant her flaws were wildly amplified

I will reluctantly pull this out of the grays to say NO. I am surrounded by old white lady cluelessness all day, every day. This is not that. There is a massive difference between saying “my close relationship with my gay son has introduced me to a vibrant sensibility that I really like to experience” and saying “I…

I’m in serious student loan debt and would have to think about it

And no way was he ever inside her.

this. Like ... I mean at least he doesn’t go around saying offensive shit or worse DOING offensive shit. He’s a typical BRO who likes hot girls and switches them out... in the grand scheme of things his consensual relationships are irrelevant compared to all the shit we see from celebrities on a daily basis.

Leonardo DiCaprio is allegedly still dating one of those models... what’s her name? The blonde one? Mid-twenties? You know, come on. The angel? From Victoria’s Secret? Nina Agdal! That’s it. But he was reportedly seen (along withTobey Maguire) at Jonah Hill’s birthday party “getting handsy with several models” who…

She’s gotta be worth several hundred million, right? So what’s another million to her when she can be hitting this:

If Hillary clinton were president they wouldn’t be performing at all. Dolan had them performing in 2001 and 2005, but said no to 2008 and 2012. Fuck him.

Well Melania has to do it 365 days a year

And the Rockettes’ red glares....

“Forcing dozens of women to go and perform for this man is without a question going to be problematic.”

The fact that The Donald has a mistress isn’t exactly a secret.

I know i’m supposed to feel bad for Ivanka, but I can’t. Fuck her. Fuck her husband. They are going to make billions off the american taxpayer and have no shame or remorse or anything resembling human emotions. I might feel the slightest bit of pity for the kids, except then I remember they’re all fucking rich and…

Twigs and berries.

Are you my dad? <3

Why would she call them “Shortly”?